


I can't hold it back (no more)

by FoolishAngel1987



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Declarations Of Love, Emotional Hurt, Gen, Hurt No Comfort, M/M, Post Eddie Begins
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-08
Updated: 2020-05-08
Packaged: 2021-03-03 04:46:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,107
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24079207
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FoolishAngel1987/pseuds/FoolishAngel1987
Summary: Eddie cut the rope but it was Buck who felt like he was drowning** takes place after Eddie Begins**
Relationships: Evan “Buck” Buckley & Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Evan “Buck” Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Comments: 8
Kudos: 42





	I can't hold it back (no more)

_He cut the rope. He cut the damn rope. The weight was there and then it was gone. And for all those next agonizing minutes, he thought Eddie was gone too._

Buck remained unmoving in the uncomfortable hospital chair, staring at the closed door of Eddie's room like he had been doing for the past hour. He wanted to go in, knew he should go in but he couldn't bring himself to do it. His limbs felt too heavy to move, the whirling inside his head making him too dizzy to do more than just stare at the door as doctors and nurses went in and out. He knew Eddie was ok because both Hen and Chim had told him so when they sat beside him earlier, but he couldn't find it in him to respond in any way. He could tell that they were worried by his silence, by his lack of response after having lashed out after the collapse. He wanted to assure them that he was ok. But it would have been a lie. He knew he wasn't ok. And trying to talk was just going to bring everything up he had been trying to hide all night and for far longer than that and he wasn't nearly ready enough to deal with it. So he stayed quiet: it was the only way for him to not ruin anything.

He had been in a sort of haze ever since Eddie had appeared from the back of the crowd, covered in mud and blood but alive and breathing as he fell into Buck's arms. Buck had been so relieved that he had pushed everything down deep inside of him, shoving aside any lingering panic and just held his best friend as tight as he could without hurting him, terrified that he might be gone the second he let go. But then he had been forced to let go, Hen and Chim pulling Eddie away towards the ambulance to check him over briefly before taking him to the hospital. That had been long enough for the ice water to make its home in Buck's veins and held him back from following them into the ambulance. Bobby had given him a confused look but he had pretended not to see and instead helped pack up the truck and choosing to return to the station to change before heading to the hospital where he met Hen and Chim in the waiting room. And every since then, he couldn't find it in him to react. He just sat there, waiting for the feeling to return to his body before he could go in an face Eddie.

The others had walked off to phone their partners and grab something to drink, leaving him sitting alone after shrugging off their offers for a walk and coffee. He just wanted them to leave and to stop staring at him, because the longer they stared at him, the more his emotions threatened to bubble to the surface and he was afraid of what would come out when that happened.

Buck looked up as the door to Eddie's room opened and the doctor exited the room, shutting the door behind her and handing off the clipboard to a nearby nurse. Buck breathed heavily through his nose and stood up, walking across the hallway quickly and slipped into the room before he could talk himself out of it. Eddie was laying on the bed with his arm down at his side, an IV taped near the inside of his elbow administering antibiotics from a a half empty bag. There was some scrapes and bruising on his face and a small bandage covering stitches near his hairline, but other than looking extremely exhausted, he looked pretty good for having been trapped under ground for as long as he had.

“Hey, I was wondering when you were going to show up.” Eddie shot him a grin and motioned with his left hand for Buck to come closer. Buck paused from his spot near the door, unsure how to get his limbs to move again. Eddie's smile dropped, his eyes moving up and down Buck's frozen form. “You ok?”

“Yea... Yea I'm...I'm good.” Buck managed to get out, pushing off from the wall and stepping closer, making sure to keep his hands behind him so Eddie couldn't see his clenched fists. “I'm not the one in a hospital bed.”

“This time anyway.” Eddie smirked, running his fingers through his hair, the motion causing something to shift inside of Buck and his cheeks to heat up. “But yea. This is not something I want to make a habit of.”

“Yea..” Buck nodded, biting his lip and wishing he could just melt into the floor. He so desperately wanted to be outside of his own body right now, the prickling of his frazzled nerves putting him even more on edge. “It was a pretty intense night.”

“That's an understatement.” Eddie laughed, sitting back against the bed and turning his eyes to the ceiling briefly. “But it could have been worse. I got out of there with a few cuts that needed stitches, some bruising and now an IV. The doctor said once this bag is done and they look over me once more time then I can be released.”

“Good, good.” Buck nodded, not trusting himself to speak more than that and turned his eyes to the floor, knowing that it if he kept looking at Eddie than he was going to lose it. He had been stacking up walls inside of himself on top of everything that he was feeling for a long time, but now it was starting to rise to the surface. He was going to fall apart, he just knew it. “That's good.”

“Are you sure you're ok?” Eddie's voice full of concern. “You just seem...”

“I just seem what?” Buck brought his eyes up to Eddie, trying to keep anything from showing on his face.

“You seem off.” Eddie pointed out, sitting up again, his gaze more observant than before. “You just look like you are trying to hold everything in. Are you mad?”

“Why would I be mad?” Buck shrugged, a half hearted attempt at lightness. “I have nothing to be mad about.”

“You're lying.”

“No I'm not.”

“Yes you are. You're my best friend, I know you. And I know something is going on. I know when you're upset.” Eddie looked like he wanted to get up from the bed and come over, but the IV and Buck's head shake held him back. Eddie did sit up though. “What's going on?”

“Nothing ...I'm good.” Buck stammered, hating that his voice dipped, betraying that he was anything but good. He was vibrating under his skin, the nervous energy crackling like a live wire. “Nothing's wrong.”

“That's such bullshit. Something is wrong. You're upset.” Eddie frowned, his hand making a fist in the blankets covering his legs . “I don't get it, I'm fine.”

“Yea and you almost weren't!” Buck snapped, his sudden outburst surprising them both since he couldn't remember the last time he raised his voice at Eddie. He dropped his arms down at his side, fists clenched tightly. “You cut the rope and then everything went to shit. We thought you were dead.”

“Buck I'm fine. I'm here. And it will all be ok.” Eddie tried to say but the dam had unleashed inside of Buck and it was all starting to hit him at once.

“You don't get it.”

“Then explain it to me because I don't know what the hell is wrong.”

“You cut the rope Eddie! You cut the damn rope and almost died.” Buck hissed, hating the anguish that filled his voice when he looked at Eddie and trying to desperately to hold it back but it was too late. “I almost lost you and thought I had lost the chance to...”

“The chance to what?” Eddie sat up straight, his eyes burning as they looked at Buck. “What are you saying?”

“I'm in love with you Eddie! I'm so fucking in love with you. And I've been in love with you for so long that I can't even remember the moment I realized it. And I always thought I would have more time to get the courage to tell you that but I just kept putting it off because I was scared of what would happen the second I did tell you. So I pushed it down and tried to pretend it wasn't there but it was there. It's always there and I knew I had to tell you eventually and I told myself I would. But then you cut the rope and I felt you were gone. And the lightening hit and everything collapsed and we were all thought there was no way we would get you back and even if we did, then we would just be bringing back a body. And all I could think was that I had wasted so much damn time being scared of telling you how I felt, that now you were going to die without me ever having the chance to tell you and I felt like I was drowning from the moment I felt you go and even since the second I stepped foot in the hospital. I thought if I just tried hard enough to ignore it then it would all be ok. But then I walked in here and I couldn't just not say anything anymore. So there. I'm pissed off that you cut the rope and put yourself in danger because I'm so damn in love with you. That's how I am doing.”

For about a minute, the only sounds that filled the room came from the machines by Eddie's bed and Buck's heavy breathing as he tried to regain his composure long enough to look up. In one way it felt like an huge weight had been lifted off his back and he hadn't know how heavy it had been until he let it all out. He had been carrying it for far too long, probably almost as long as he had know Eddie and he didn't want all that chaos inside of him anymore. Buck lifted his face and met Eddie's eyes, who was now staring at him in complete shock. Buck felt his stomach turn and if he had had anything in there, ti would have ended up on the floor. The weight of everything he had just said barreled into him at that moment and he staggered back in horror.

“Oh god.” Buck's hand came up to his mouth. “I can't believe I said all that. Holy shit.”

“Buck...” Eddie began to say, looking down at his lap and then the wall, anywhere but at him. This was bad, this was so bad. Eddie looked so uncomfortable. “Buck.”

“Alright Mr Diaz, we are going to look over you one more time.” The doctor slipped into the room along with a nurse, breaking the spell that hung over the two men and Buck finally inhaled, the noise far sharper then he would have liked.

“Buck.” Eddie began to say, looking past the nurse who was taking his blood pressure and then to the doctor. “Can we have a minute?”

“No no, it's fine.” Buck moved towards the door, seeing the surprise in Eddie's face and he looked ready to jump out of the bed to chase Buck down. “I ...I should go.”

“Buck wait..” Eddie called out to him but Buck was already slipping out of the room and rushing down the hall, desperate to put as much distance between him and Eddie as possible. Luckily he was able to get to the elevators without running into anyone else from the 118 and by the time he reached the lobby, he was fighting to keep from full on running out the front doors of the hospital.

He reached the parking lot, his hands shaking as he pulled out his keys and jumped into his jeep, turning the key in the ignition hard and backing out as quickly as he dared. He wanted to out run this feeling, but out driving it would have to do. He was just reaching the exit when he felt his phone starting to buzz in his jacket pocket but he ignored it as he got on to the road and drove off. His hands gripped the wheel tightly as only one thought went through his head. 

_You ruined everything. You should have kept your mouth shut. You fucked up and now you are going to lose everything._


End file.
